Changes

It has been several weeks since I became a deconvert, and I've noticed a few changes in how I'm approaching life. But before I discuss them, I would like to stress that these changes are my own -- in other words, they may or may not be typical. However I feel it important to share them because they may be of some use to someone else going through this process, or at the very least they may offer a different perspective from what may be considered "the norm."

Change #1: Depression

I have suffered from depression for over 20 years. I am sure that some of it may be chemical imbalance, but I am equally as sure that some large portion of it was because of my worldview. This planet is not a very friendly place, and (as the media outlets constantly report) seems to be going downhill. As a Christian, I struggled constantly with why god would claim to love his creation and then allow so much suffering and many bad things to continue (the usual excuse from Christianity has something to do with "free will").

I hated this place, I hated my existence, and I hated a belief system that believed suffering and abuse were part of some grand plan. I would contemplate suicide frequently (and actually attempted it twice), with the reasoning that it would be easier to just be done and move on to the next level. Naturally, my Christian beliefs would usually prevent me from taking action for fear of eternal damnation.

But now I find that most of my depression is seemingly gone; or, at least a significant portion of the dark thoughts and suicidal tendencies are no longer knocking at the door of my mind -- enough so that I no longer feel like jumping out of our fifth-story apartment window on a weekly basis. I believe that this is because I now have a new perspective on life: that this existence is all we have, and so we really do need to make the most of it.

Change #2: Outlook

One typical Christian belief is that everything but the soul is temporary and that one day god will destroy the universe to make room for a new creation for all of his faithful believers. Therefore I believed, as most Christians do, that my goal was to spend my life working on getting to the next level.

Now I see how disturbing this approach to life can be: one can whittle away one's existence trying to "save up" for the afterlife, never really enjoying this life. Honestly, how many people live a less-than-fulfilling life because they are restricted by the arbitrary rules their religion deems necessary in order to gain entry into some eternal paradise? And how many spend countless hours obligingly trying to get others en masse to do likewise? It just seems like so much time ill spent, now.

To be perfectly honest, I do hope that there is some kind of continued existence after death; a heaven, or nirvana, or reincarnation. Personally, I hate the idea that my beautiful and unique mind will just cease to exist upon my death; but regardless of hope, I have made peace with my future non-existence. The fact is, not one single person has ever come back from death with any real, verifiable, non-anecdotal evidence of a great beyond.

To me, life is now more precious than ever, precisely because it is unique and fleeting. Instead of focusing my energies on some unproven promise of never-ending happiness, I am able to focus on enjoying what I have, here and now. I am able to work on being the best human being that I can be, simply because that is what I want to be, not because some religion compels me to be that way.

But the best part is, I no longer feel like I have to spend my life trying to impress some god who is threatening to disproportionately damn me to eternal torment simply for breaking ridiculously arbitrary rules. I am free to be me! I am free to be a human being! And I am free to live!

Change #3: Judgmentalism

All humans are constantly engaged in judging, from hair styles to murder trials; judging is not necessarily a bad thing. It becomes wrong only when people use it for the wrong reasons. For instance, it is very hypocritical that so many religions teach to "judge not," and yet so many adherents seem to enjoy pointing righteous fingers of condemnation. Oddly, they almost always do this under the guise of "morality."

I am so happy that I don't have to do that any more; I don't have to encourage it, I don't have to endorse it, I don't have to endure it or stand by and make excuses for others who do it. I am no longer obligated by a belief system that practically demands me to push my brand of morality onto anyone. I no longer have the right (or obligation) to nitpick the beliefs or lifestyles of others, because each person (and his beliefs and lifestyle) is precious, personal, and unique to him. Who am I to take that away?

Conclusion
I realize that some of what I have said here does not necessarily apply to all of Christendom. I realize that there are branches of Christianity which do not act in the ways described here. All I can do is congratulate the adherents of those denominations for at least trying to be human beings. But the overall problem is that many religions cause more problems than they solve simply because they warp how individuals approach life. I won't be party to that type of mentality any longer, and I hope that -- whoever you are, reading this -- you won't be party to it either.

Until next Monday,

Frank

Questions

I've always had questions about my religion. There were so many things, especially from my youth, that I just could not understand. I would ask questions and sometimes I would get one answer from one person and a different answer from someone else. Often I would be told, "That's the way it is." Further questioning would inevitably result in the cliché, "God's ways are higher than ours."

As I got older and starting thinking more "outside the bible," the questions became more intricate and complex. But, like most Christians with such dichotomies, I would just shove them to the back, think to myself "God's ways are higher than ours," and expect that everything would work out according to some grand plan. Somehow. Some way. And then one day, things changed...

As I near middle-age, I have found that my desire to read has increased ten-fold. Last year I read an astounding 14 new books, all non-fiction. It is only the fourth month of this year, and I just finished book number 6. But it is specifically book number 3 that I want to mention: "50 Popular Beliefs That People Think Are True" by Guy P. Harrison.

The book is certainly a fascinating foray into strange things that people believe. Guy does his best to inject a healthy level of skepticism into each item, teaching the reader how to use reason and logic. As the chapters on religious belief (and specifically Christian belief) drew closer, I began to struggle over whether I should skip them. But something happened: I reasoned to myself that I have always proclaimed my faith in Christ to be unshakable and if it could not stand up to a little scrutiny then I was just fooling myself. So I read on.

And like a house of cards on a windy day, my religious belief system came toppling down. Although the book caused me to question so many things that church and parochial school taught me, the following items were the ultimate catalyst for the beginning of my deconversion:

1. There have been millions of gods throughout human history, and none have produced any verifiable, corporeal, scientific evidence to justify belief in them. It is therefore virtually impossible to actually claim that belief in any one or more of them is THE TRUTH.
2. Any "evidence" (i.e., answered prayers, serendipitous timing, etc.) that has been presented by any particular religion as proof positive that they are THE TRUTH also shows up in other, conflicting religions. This means that such "evidence" cannot be used to single out one religion above any other.
3. The overwhelming majority of religious adherents do not choose their belief system - they are born into it. Therefore, claiming one belief system to be THE TRUTH means potentially condemning billions simply because they were born into a different culture.
4. There are thousands of denominations of Christianity, all claiming to have THE TRUTH. Every single denomination is doctrinally at odds with other denominations, often to the point of condemnation. And so, it is completely impossible for an adherent to know which denomination(s) will send him to heaven and which to hell (supposing, of course, that the adherent follows a denomination that believes in both heaven and hell, as there are many which do not).

I want to make a special note on that fourth point: Many may look at this statement and think it to be invalid - almost all Christians assume that, to be a Christian, one must follow some core tenants of Christianity which are common (such as Christ's atoning death and resurrection). I want to assure you that the only commonality between the Christians of the world is that they call themselves "Christian." Everything else is up for grabs, from gnosis to virgin birth - this is exactly why there are thousands of differing denominations. It is disgustingly amazing how much of the Christian community en masse not only disagrees with itself but actually has the audacity to pronounce anathema and eternal torment on each other.

Nevertheless, those four simple concepts caused me to reevaluate everything I believed. They should cause EVERY Christian to do the same. If Christians can't answer to those points, then they have no ground on which to stand when someone asks "Why should I become one?" - or in my case, "Why should I continue?"

Until next Monday,
Frank

Welcome!

So… what, exactly, is deconversion? Basically, it is the process by which a religious adherent recognizes that his religion is probably not true and so “de-converts” out of it. From what I gather, deconversion (for most people) involves not just dispensing with one’s religion but with religion altogether; it seems that many newly-formed skeptics who become deconverts discover a simple truth: that, because there are so many thousands of different religions, and none have evidence to prove them true, it is likely that they are all false.

So… who, exactly, am I? My name is Frank, and as of this writing I am a 36 year old gay male living in Madison Heights, Michigan. I am married to my partner of nearly 6 years – we are one of the first gay couples legally married in this state. I only bring this up because the circumstances of our marriage partly served as the catalyst for my deconversion. This blog is about my journey out of religion.

It seems that most deconverts become atheists, but some claim agnosticism. I deconverted from Christianity to agnostic theism (that is, I believe in god but claim no knowledge of god). Originally I was raised as a Lutheran and had converted to Apostolic Pentecostalism in my 20’s.

Letting go of what I grew up with and what I thought I knew as truth for so many decades has so far been a very difficult and gut-wrenching process! I find that I no longer have an afterlife. I no longer have a god to rely upon when things look bad, or to praise when things look good. I may not even have a soul.

I feel lost and alone. I’ve scoured the internet for resources and advice on what I should now do, and the internet has just laughed back at me. It is a cold and cruel mistress sometimes! So I want to document my process, struggles, notes, resources, and thoughts so that perhaps the next deconvert who is in my situation will maybe have one extra thing to help him along the way.

Until next Monday,
Frank