Changes

It has been several weeks since I became a deconvert, and I've noticed a few changes in how I'm approaching life. But before I discuss them, I would like to stress that these changes are my own -- in other words, they may or may not be typical. However I feel it important to share them because they may be of some use to someone else going through this process, or at the very least they may offer a different perspective from what may be considered "the norm."

Change #1: Depression

I have suffered from depression for over 20 years. I am sure that some of it may be chemical imbalance, but I am equally as sure that some large portion of it was because of my worldview. This planet is not a very friendly place, and (as the media outlets constantly report) seems to be going downhill. As a Christian, I struggled constantly with why god would claim to love his creation and then allow so much suffering and many bad things to continue (the usual excuse from Christianity has something to do with "free will").

I hated this place, I hated my existence, and I hated a belief system that believed suffering and abuse were part of some grand plan. I would contemplate suicide frequently (and actually attempted it twice), with the reasoning that it would be easier to just be done and move on to the next level. Naturally, my Christian beliefs would usually prevent me from taking action for fear of eternal damnation.

But now I find that most of my depression is seemingly gone; or, at least a significant portion of the dark thoughts and suicidal tendencies are no longer knocking at the door of my mind -- enough so that I no longer feel like jumping out of our fifth-story apartment window on a weekly basis. I believe that this is because I now have a new perspective on life: that this existence is all we have, and so we really do need to make the most of it.

Change #2: Outlook

One typical Christian belief is that everything but the soul is temporary and that one day god will destroy the universe to make room for a new creation for all of his faithful believers. Therefore I believed, as most Christians do, that my goal was to spend my life working on getting to the next level.

Now I see how disturbing this approach to life can be: one can whittle away one's existence trying to "save up" for the afterlife, never really enjoying this life. Honestly, how many people live a less-than-fulfilling life because they are restricted by the arbitrary rules their religion deems necessary in order to gain entry into some eternal paradise? And how many spend countless hours obligingly trying to get others en masse to do likewise? It just seems like so much time ill spent, now.

To be perfectly honest, I do hope that there is some kind of continued existence after death; a heaven, or nirvana, or reincarnation. Personally, I hate the idea that my beautiful and unique mind will just cease to exist upon my death; but regardless of hope, I have made peace with my future non-existence. The fact is, not one single person has ever come back from death with any real, verifiable, non-anecdotal evidence of a great beyond.

To me, life is now more precious than ever, precisely because it is unique and fleeting. Instead of focusing my energies on some unproven promise of never-ending happiness, I am able to focus on enjoying what I have, here and now. I am able to work on being the best human being that I can be, simply because that is what I want to be, not because some religion compels me to be that way.

But the best part is, I no longer feel like I have to spend my life trying to impress some god who is threatening to disproportionately damn me to eternal torment simply for breaking ridiculously arbitrary rules. I am free to be me! I am free to be a human being! And I am free to live!

Change #3: Judgmentalism

All humans are constantly engaged in judging, from hair styles to murder trials; judging is not necessarily a bad thing. It becomes wrong only when people use it for the wrong reasons. For instance, it is very hypocritical that so many religions teach to "judge not," and yet so many adherents seem to enjoy pointing righteous fingers of condemnation. Oddly, they almost always do this under the guise of "morality."

I am so happy that I don't have to do that any more; I don't have to encourage it, I don't have to endorse it, I don't have to endure it or stand by and make excuses for others who do it. I am no longer obligated by a belief system that practically demands me to push my brand of morality onto anyone. I no longer have the right (or obligation) to nitpick the beliefs or lifestyles of others, because each person (and his beliefs and lifestyle) is precious, personal, and unique to him. Who am I to take that away?

Conclusion
I realize that some of what I have said here does not necessarily apply to all of Christendom. I realize that there are branches of Christianity which do not act in the ways described here. All I can do is congratulate the adherents of those denominations for at least trying to be human beings. But the overall problem is that many religions cause more problems than they solve simply because they warp how individuals approach life. I won't be party to that type of mentality any longer, and I hope that -- whoever you are, reading this -- you won't be party to it either.

Until next Monday,

Frank