Surprises

Something which I did not fully anticipate when deconverting was how others would handle it. Most of my friends and family are not religious (per se), so "surprise" was the least expected reaction I received. This surprise stems from two things:

1. The perceived hypocrisy. Many -- if not most -- of the arguments I now make or rally behind are the same exact arguments they presented to me every time we would engage in religious debate. Back then, although I most certainly wasn't "living at the foot of the cross" as some would say, I still claimed an unshakable belief in Christ. That I am now using those same arguments has actually caused some laughter -- and I certainly can appreciate the irony!
2. The change from Christian to agnostic was very sudden and jarring. Almost anyone who has spent time with me knows that I don't typically make hasty decisions. The fact is, although the actual decision to deconvert -- and my subsequent abandonment of Christianity -- took only a few days, the process of trying to contemplate and understand my spirituality began nearly four years prior. The sound, logical arguments brought forth by Guy Harrison, Bart Ehrman, and Sam Harris pushed me over the edge of mythos and into reality.

My friends are surprised by the change, so is my family and such co-workers who know. But none nearly as much as I. It has been difficult to come to grips with the sudden annihilation of my soul, with the throwing down of eternal paradise, and with the realization that all of my interactions in life are purely material. And -- surprisingly -- as much as I used to begrudge the giant eyeball in the sky staring down on everything I did, I find that I miss the comfort of someone always looking out for me. Even if it is in judgment.

It was surprisingly easy from the start to let go of the intellectual beliefs of Christianity; most of these beliefs are founded on poor philosophy or just plain bad logic, anyways. But the emotional aspects of Christianity were -- are -- harder to abandon. I grew up in the church, for the first 18 years of my life I was constantly groomed to rely on god or be punished in hell. Naturally, 36 years later, I still struggle with problems of self-worth and fear of hellfire.

What was not surprising, however, is the rhetoric I receive from religious folk. I knew it was coming, because I used to be one of those who meted it. For instance, I've actually been told that I've abandoned religious belief in a god for a religious belief in no god. Please tell me how this is supposed to make sense -- is there some atheist / agnostic church I'm supposed to attend? And of course I'm waiting with baited breath for the proverbial "you're just angry at god" statement to be spat out: that will, I'm sure, be the day that marks my final footstep from idiocy to reality.

The overarching challenge for deconverts is that the church is a one-stop shop for social interaction, worldviews, direction and meaning in life, emotional and spiritual satisfaction. Once one leaves the church, what can one find as a replacement for these things?

And that is the final surprising thing, at least for today: the utter lack of support for recent deconverts into atheism / agnosticism. If such people and groups are out there, they are seemingly difficult to find here in metropolitan Detroit. Perhaps it is my lot in life to start such a group. Who can say? However I have run across two local atheist groups which I plan to investigate further: Minority Atheists of Michigan and Detroit Atheists. I hope that I run into some other recent deconverts, I am itching for some good conversation!

Until next Monday,

Frank